All I’ll ever be is myself good, bad, or indifferent. I may not fit onto your pedestal but I’m sure sitting pretty on the one I set for myself : ) Take me or leave me as I am.
I embrace thee as if I would embrace my own soul. My soul is a temptress with deep meaning, fortitude, and understanding. I have many degrees of thought, love, and aptitude. So for a brief moment I was taken in your arms, smitten with aw. The way you caressed my body and soul was riveting. I could tell that your passion was similar to mine, an exciting thought. I never had anyone that could even come close to my intensity, my honesty, my true embrace. For those few moments I was lost. For me it wasn’t about sex, it wasn’t about rushing or slowing, it was about the touch. Something so simple as a touch could send me reeling. Then you spoke to me ever so slightly, with amazing depth and realness you wanted to look into my beautiful green eyes. You looked through me to my soul. At that very moment my walls I’ve built up never had a brick laid or mason to glue it together.
It’s so sad how cruel the snap back to reality can be. Immediately after, although still under the enchantment of the moment, I realized the simplicity of what it really was. I believe in happily ever after’s, but am far too familiar with the practical realities of life. I can appreciate the whimsical moment it was, but those moments are really only whimsical if they are repeated. The reality is it was the moment, beer induced, scene induced moment that led me here. Full of insecurities, nervous floundering, and awkward moments. I’m definitely not smooth at sailing this or any other ship.
I present myself as if I’m in a job interview, trying to win over my opponent by exemplifying all of my best traits, experience, and what I offer. But to be real I make sure to throw in most of my flaws, so that I can justify that I laid it out there. It makes for a very boring, competitive, and tedious date for both involved. I’m so terrible at dating because I’m a diver. I do all the tricks and flips and then want to get wet. To be honest most of the time when I’ve done that it’s landed me in situations where I’m settling. That’s if the guy can with stand my erratic behavior long enough to get to know the real, calm, cool, and collective me.
There are so many facets to my train of thought, my actions, and the way I feel and express emotions. I think I just have a hard time conveying that. I’m elated with this guy for moments of passion I experienced with him. Now I feel like I’ve just pushed him away with my brashness and over selling of myself. So my immediate reaction is to retreat, and brush it all off. Perception is reality in most cases, and in this case I feel as though I’ve come off desperate and a yes man. When my reality is completely different. The thought of getting into a serious relationship terrifies me. To let someone in and possibly be wrong again. To possibly settle for a good man, instead of waiting for my soul mate.
I am a good woman, and when I do love someone I give them everything. But I haven’t loved someone in so long, I don’t even know how to get there. Infatuation is incredibly deceiving, tempting, and misleading. I have a terrible habit of diving too quickly because my hormones are all over the place, and I’m a serious gluten. I’m so tired of myself, and my own gluttony. Over the past 6 or so months I’ve been so proud of myself not giving into temptation, ex’s, and doing the right things. It took one major fuck up on my part to throw me back into this awkward place. I have a serious problem with spur of the moment decisions.
This guy is a great guy, seems to be anyway. Up until about a week ago he was merely a co-worker. Then he invited me out to a bbq with his friends and there was this incredibly passionate kiss that was the ruin of my sanity. The kiss did two things for me, it reminded me why I’ve been holding out for so long, and secondly how impulsive and retarded I get. But now the repercussions are horrendous. Now he is concerned about people knowing and work knowing for fear of issues at work. He’s made comments he’s not sure what he’s ready for, and has asked me to wait. He asked if I wore my heart on my sleeve and then when I responded with a yes, he said he was afraid of that. Although when I asked if he didn’t want to do this, he said he really did want to. And when I’ve made sexual references he really hasn’t responded. Unlike me he does not want to meet in the parking lot after work for at least a quick kiss, seeing how we live an hour from each other. He also hasn’t made a single comment or reference to his attraction for me since the kiss.
The practical side of me says not to over think it, and just go with it. See where it leads, and don’t rush anything. Seriously there isn’t a race going on, and there’s been no harm no foul as of yet. Yet the emotional side of me says that I’m in need of more. I need to be reassured that he is attracted to me, I need to feel as though he can’t help himself but to kiss me after work, I need to feel like he actually wants to text me. I don’t want this big relationship, commitment, or something along those lines right now. I guess I just want to feel wanted. At this point I feel more like an accessory he’s playing with thinking of adding to his vehicle. I obviously made him feel as though I wanted all these things, and I wanted to rush into things. It’s terrible because I feel like I’m on autocorrect, and I’m totally relaying the wrong information.
I honestly think my big hang up is my lack of patients. I want to be in the bunny rabbit stage because that’s the fun part. He’s already shown me a smidge of what I might get, and it’s got me excited. But now I have all of these personal expectations of being in a committed relationship before I go giving it up. So I’m really putting myself between a rock and a hard place. It’s nice to go slow and see where things go without all the crap that gets in the way at times. But then I forget I’m involved because it feels more like a friendship. All it is is a title, and it really shouldn’t be a big deal. But at this point it feels like he’s a co-worker that got drunk and kissed me, and now wants to hide it from everyone because he’s embarrassed. So my resolution…. If he wants to act like friends but be exclusive then I’ll do just that.
I could abandon ship as I normally do, but that kiss was worth a second look. And if nothing comes of it, at least I will have represented myself in a decent manner and will have accomplished some degree of patients. It would just be nice to find a passionate guy with similar personality traits and interests as I do that wouldn’t mind being in a simple boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with me where I could have enough commitment to make me feel wanted and appreciated but not so much that the next step is even a discussion. Is calling someone your girlfriend really so scary? To me it’s very trivial, but satisfies the basic need for some kind of status and understanding of where two people stand.
As usual after re-reading this I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m completely over thinking things, it hasn’t even been a week since we’ve kissed. And why am I hung up on this title? To be completely honest I think it’s just because I want to get laid, and want things to speed along so I can feel justified. Self-realizations a bitch. Now I’ve just made a good dude think poorly of me. What a needy bitch. Now the trick is not to be my typical self and blow him off because I can’t stand him thinking poorly of me. I just need to find my balance and treat him as I used to, after all we are basically just friends.