My Ideas

I would seriously be okay with being single for the rest of my life.  I would just continue to focus on what is important to me, my goals, and aspirations.  As far as kids, I would do what I’ve always wanted to do and open a home to foster children.  I feel like I have so much life experience to share with them, and useful tools I could give them to succeed in life.  I’m a jack of all trades but master of none, and have made enough mistakes in my life to be able to discuss how decisions they could make would directly affect them with specific examples.  I have this dream of starting a DVD series about life choices.  Going over a vast array of choices they can choose to make and the pros and cons of each.  I want to discuss topics from a moral perspective to career choices to contemplating life’s meanings.  I want to offer a completely unbiased DVD expressing all different views, sticking to facts and various options.  I want to draw from people’s actual experience from a variety of different back grounds.  The series would be extensive and would require a lot of research and money.  But with today’s technology I could start up my own you tube account and start with just my own experiences and research I personally collected.  My goal would be to sell the series to schools, specifically junior highs to catch kid’s right before they start making decisions that will lead to how they lead their lives. 

I’d also like to own my own gym.  I’d cater to the average person.  There would be no windows for people to look in; it draws self-conscious people (the ones who usually need to work out) away.  Instead I would have TV’s that would flash before and after shots of various people using various methods.  True inspiration.  I would have different training rooms with different genera’s of music.  Everyone hates going to a gym and listening to shitty music as they’re trying to get ramped up for their work out.  I wouldn’t have a thousand machines, I would have the basics.  When people have too many options it distracts from their goal and purpose.  I would have trainers that would walk the floor available for all customers to not only offer advice and develop work out plans for individuals, but to ensure people are using equipment correctly to prevent injury.  I would have a buffet on site where people could choose healthy options for very reasonable prices.  I would have a nutrionist on site to assist those who wanted to utilize the service to develop personal plans.  I would have a special events coordinator who would plan fun events at least once a month for members to attend.  This would serve as a fun social gathering for those who are trying to stay on strict plans that they could actually attend and not worry about outside influences.  I would also like to have a therapist on staff that hosted group therapy sessions for different types of members, for them mainly to discuss self-image issues and how to overcome and move forward.  Granted this would an expensive gym to run, I’d imagine that with obesity at its peak in this country I might be able to get government funding to help those who can’t afford services such as these.  I could also partner with health care providers and insurances to get this on recommended services. 

Now the real problem in making my dreams become a reality is to start the research, make a realistic financial plan, and find ways to get investors.  My problem is I just don’t focus my energy well enough to make it happen, I think they refer to it as lazy. 

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One passionate kiss

All I’ll ever be is myself good, bad, or indifferent. I may not fit onto your pedestal but I’m sure sitting pretty on the one I set for myself : ) Take me or leave me as I am.
I embrace thee as if I would embrace my own soul. My soul is a temptress with deep meaning, fortitude, and understanding. I have many degrees of thought, love, and aptitude. So for a brief moment I was taken in your arms, smitten with aw. The way you caressed my body and soul was riveting. I could tell that your passion was similar to mine, an exciting thought. I never had anyone that could even come close to my intensity, my honesty, my true embrace. For those few moments I was lost. For me it wasn’t about sex, it wasn’t about rushing or slowing, it was about the touch. Something so simple as a touch could send me reeling. Then you spoke to me ever so slightly, with amazing depth and realness you wanted to look into my beautiful green eyes. You looked through me to my soul. At that very moment my walls I’ve built up never had a brick laid or mason to glue it together.
It’s so sad how cruel the snap back to reality can be. Immediately after, although still under the enchantment of the moment, I realized the simplicity of what it really was. I believe in happily ever after’s, but am far too familiar with the practical realities of life. I can appreciate the whimsical moment it was, but those moments are really only whimsical if they are repeated. The reality is it was the moment, beer induced, scene induced moment that led me here. Full of insecurities, nervous floundering, and awkward moments. I’m definitely not smooth at sailing this or any other ship.
I present myself as if I’m in a job interview, trying to win over my opponent by exemplifying all of my best traits, experience, and what I offer. But to be real I make sure to throw in most of my flaws, so that I can justify that I laid it out there. It makes for a very boring, competitive, and tedious date for both involved. I’m so terrible at dating because I’m a diver. I do all the tricks and flips and then want to get wet. To be honest most of the time when I’ve done that it’s landed me in situations where I’m settling. That’s if the guy can with stand my erratic behavior long enough to get to know the real, calm, cool, and collective me.
There are so many facets to my train of thought, my actions, and the way I feel and express emotions. I think I just have a hard time conveying that. I’m elated with this guy for moments of passion I experienced with him. Now I feel like I’ve just pushed him away with my brashness and over selling of myself. So my immediate reaction is to retreat, and brush it all off. Perception is reality in most cases, and in this case I feel as though I’ve come off desperate and a yes man. When my reality is completely different. The thought of getting into a serious relationship terrifies me. To let someone in and possibly be wrong again. To possibly settle for a good man, instead of waiting for my soul mate.
I am a good woman, and when I do love someone I give them everything. But I haven’t loved someone in so long, I don’t even know how to get there. Infatuation is incredibly deceiving, tempting, and misleading. I have a terrible habit of diving too quickly because my hormones are all over the place, and I’m a serious gluten. I’m so tired of myself, and my own gluttony. Over the past 6 or so months I’ve been so proud of myself not giving into temptation, ex’s, and doing the right things. It took one major fuck up on my part to throw me back into this awkward place. I have a serious problem with spur of the moment decisions.
This guy is a great guy, seems to be anyway. Up until about a week ago he was merely a co-worker. Then he invited me out to a bbq with his friends and there was this incredibly passionate kiss that was the ruin of my sanity. The kiss did two things for me, it reminded me why I’ve been holding out for so long, and secondly how impulsive and retarded I get. But now the repercussions are horrendous. Now he is concerned about people knowing and work knowing for fear of issues at work. He’s made comments he’s not sure what he’s ready for, and has asked me to wait. He asked if I wore my heart on my sleeve and then when I responded with a yes, he said he was afraid of that. Although when I asked if he didn’t want to do this, he said he really did want to. And when I’ve made sexual references he really hasn’t responded. Unlike me he does not want to meet in the parking lot after work for at least a quick kiss, seeing how we live an hour from each other. He also hasn’t made a single comment or reference to his attraction for me since the kiss.
The practical side of me says not to over think it, and just go with it. See where it leads, and don’t rush anything. Seriously there isn’t a race going on, and there’s been no harm no foul as of yet. Yet the emotional side of me says that I’m in need of more. I need to be reassured that he is attracted to me, I need to feel as though he can’t help himself but to kiss me after work, I need to feel like he actually wants to text me. I don’t want this big relationship, commitment, or something along those lines right now. I guess I just want to feel wanted. At this point I feel more like an accessory he’s playing with thinking of adding to his vehicle. I obviously made him feel as though I wanted all these things, and I wanted to rush into things. It’s terrible because I feel like I’m on autocorrect, and I’m totally relaying the wrong information.
I honestly think my big hang up is my lack of patients. I want to be in the bunny rabbit stage because that’s the fun part. He’s already shown me a smidge of what I might get, and it’s got me excited. But now I have all of these personal expectations of being in a committed relationship before I go giving it up. So I’m really putting myself between a rock and a hard place. It’s nice to go slow and see where things go without all the crap that gets in the way at times. But then I forget I’m involved because it feels more like a friendship. All it is is a title, and it really shouldn’t be a big deal. But at this point it feels like he’s a co-worker that got drunk and kissed me, and now wants to hide it from everyone because he’s embarrassed. So my resolution…. If he wants to act like friends but be exclusive then I’ll do just that.
I could abandon ship as I normally do, but that kiss was worth a second look. And if nothing comes of it, at least I will have represented myself in a decent manner and will have accomplished some degree of patients. It would just be nice to find a passionate guy with similar personality traits and interests as I do that wouldn’t mind being in a simple boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with me where I could have enough commitment to make me feel wanted and appreciated but not so much that the next step is even a discussion. Is calling someone your girlfriend really so scary? To me it’s very trivial, but satisfies the basic need for some kind of status and understanding of where two people stand.
As usual after re-reading this I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m completely over thinking things, it hasn’t even been a week since we’ve kissed. And why am I hung up on this title? To be completely honest I think it’s just because I want to get laid, and want things to speed along so I can feel justified. Self-realizations a bitch. Now I’ve just made a good dude think poorly of me. What a needy bitch. Now the trick is not to be my typical self and blow him off because I can’t stand him thinking poorly of me. I just need to find my balance and treat him as I used to, after all we are basically just friends.

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My lifes obsessions

I obsess about a great deal of things in my life, including obsessing over obsessing.  Love would be my biggest and greatest obsession.  I love the thought of being in love, I love being in love, and I love those who are in love.  My career would be second, but a very close second.  I literally feel as though my self worth is derived from my employment status.  I can’t be just employed but its essential to me to be employed somewhere that will pay me enough to make it on my own, and that I can be great at.  I obsess about how others perceive me and my reputation, if I’m adequately relaying information and behaviors that will allow them to have the perception I want them to have of me.  I think that I am an average person with above average skills of inter-reflection.  I look myself in the mirror, and sometimes it’s unbearable.  Not because I’m overweight, not because of my failed marriage, not because of the injustices I’ve done, not because I’m a whore, not because of my health problems, not because of my crazy……. No, its because I can’t face myself for the failure I’ve become in my career.  I know my dad who wants so desperately to be proud of me is ashamed.  I am unemployed for the first time since I was fifteen, divorced, living with my parents, single, college drop out, lazy, obese, no children, 28 years old, no real friends, terrible to my family, and a lonely soul.  I find myself obsessing over multiple ideals each day…. Will I find a man as passionate as I to love…… Will I find a job that will provide enough income to keep me afloat that I will enjoy……. Should I commit suicide because the thought of being jobless and loveless is too much to bare?  Each day I obsess, and by the end of the night under these beautiful stars, after I pray, I feel reborn and able to take on the next day.  I obsess…. Do you?

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